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Masturbation, Relationships, and Sex: A Guide for Trans and Gender Variant People

Masturbation, Relationships, and Sex: A Guide for Trans and Gender Variant People

 

Sex, relationships, and masturbation can be tricky when you’re Trans. You have to deal with social stigma as well as your own dysphoria. Gender dysphoria is the feeling that your body isn’t quite right. For trans people this usually involves the genitals and chest, but it can also involve body hair, voice, facial features, weight distribution, and many other parts of the body. This can make it difficult to even be naked, let alone touching your body or having it be touched. There’s also the constant fear of rejection or even violence which is why many trans people are hesitant to start up relationships or approach someone for sex. In this article we’ll discuss some tips on how to deal with each of these issues.

Dysphoria is a huge issue in the trans community, although not every trans or gender variant person goes through it. Dysphoria affects everyone in different ways and to different degrees. It can also vary from day to day. One day you’re dealing with it fine, and the next it turns your world upside down. Going through dysphoria or having bad dysphoria doesn’t make you “more trans”, but it can bring up more hurdles for you to jump. It’s a very individual experience, just like sex and relationships. It’s important to talk to your partners about what triggers your dysphoria. Talk to them about what pronouns you prefer, and if you prefer gender neutral pronouns you may have to teach them how to use them. Teach them what parts of your body are off limits. Everyone has different boundaries, so it’s important to communicate what yours are. It’s also a good idea to come up with something to call your genitals that is more comfortable to your gender identity. Everyone has different names, I’ve heard quite a lot. One of the great things about the human body is we all have the same parts, just a little bit differently shaped. The clitoris is the same thing as the penis, the testicles the same thing as the ovaries, breasts and chests are exactly the same only different people have different amounts of fat there. Call your body parts whatever you feel most comfortable calling them. The main thing is that bodies don’t have a gender. It doesn’t matter what society says, if you identify as a woman you have a woman’s body. It doesn’t matter if people call your clitoris a penis, it’s a clitoris. This is true for every gender or every name for your body parts. Just keep reminding yourself that your body is yours, not society’s. Just because society has a narrow view doesn’t mean you have to. You may have to educate your partner a little, but if they want to be with a trans person they’re going to have to widen their view too.

So, how do you masturbate with all this in mind? It helps to change the way you view your body, but that’s just one step. There are things that you can do that will better keep in mind your gender and avoid having your dysphoria triggered. If you’re DFAB, you can get a phallic vibrator intended for vaginal stimulation. You then turn it on a good speed for you and place it on your clitoris/penis. You can then rub your hand up and down the shaft of the vibrator. Another technique is to make or buy a DFAB masturbation sleeve. Get a water bottle and fill it half full with very warm water, Open a condom without unrolling it and place the condom on top of the water bottle. Rap a rubber band around the rim to make it watertight. You can use lube, then insert your clitoris/penis and tip the water towards you. As always different people have different boundaries so don’t feel like a “lesser trans person” for liking Penetration of the “vagina”. It’s fine to explore your body and have fun with it. Remember, your gender is all that matters and your body is yours. For DMAB people you can try rubbing your penis/clitoris with the palm of your hand. Remember, clitorises vary in size a lot so just treat it like you would any other clitoris. Another technique is to curl the penis/clitoris inward while it’s not erect then press the tip of your ring finger against the tip of the penis/clitoris and curl your finger to the base of the shaft. You can add other fingers to stimulate different parts of you. Experiment! Anyone can also try “anal” stimulation! It can be a difficult position to stimulate with your fingers, especially if your also trying to stimulate your genitals, so you may need to get a toy. Use LOTS of lube and relax. Slowly get used to what finger you can manage to fit in, then make your way up to a toy over time. If it starts to hurt stop. You can go back to it later. You may need to reapply lube or stimulate other erogenous zones. You can just stimulate the outside of the anus for a while until you get more comfortable. You can also use masturbation techniques that don’t involve being naked, like grinding your genitals against a pillow, blanket, or back and forth on a surface like a chair. It may help to close your eyes and focus on the sensation and any fantasies you have. Watching porn or reading erotica may also help. Remember, these are just tips. Explore your body and figure out what you’re comfortable with. If you don’t experience much dysphoria with masturbation and can use typical methods that’s fine! Again, don’t feel like you’re less of a trans person if you experience things differently. Feel free to experiment with sex toys to figure out what feels good. Remember to caress other parts of your body too, whatever parts you are comfortable with. Erogenous zones can be located anywhere so don’t be afraid to experiment.

Another huge cause of anxiety for trans people is dating and meeting people. It’s just a constant dialogue of “Will I find someone who likes all of me”, “Will I find someone who understands me?”, “when do I tell them I’m trans*?”, “How will they react?”, “Will they fetishize and objectify me?”, “Will I be forced to only date and have sex with people who fetishize trans people?”, “Am I going to be a victim of violence because of my trans status?”. Dating is always scary, but these questions can make them even scarier. What I suggest is when it comes to meeting people and disclosing that you’re trans*, do it in a safe environment where you have back up. That way if things go wrong, you’ll have support. You can meet people on dating websites, at dance clubs, LGBTQAI+ support groups or events, or any place you frequent like book stores, coffee shops, libraries, or town events. If someone seems interested and likes you, get to know them better. It may work best to bring up trans* people in theory first to see how they react. If you get a negative reaction, you know to move on. If you get a positive reaction, feel free to get closer. Once you have a feel for the person and you think they’re safe and you’re comfortable with them you can tell them that you’re trans. Let them know what pronouns you prefer. From there you can ask them out for a date. One night stands can be tricky and dangerous. I suggest using a buddy system. Go out with a friend you trust, let them get a feel for the person as well, then if you leave alone with that person make a plan to call in to your friend at a certain time and when you get home so they know you’re okay. Text them the address where you are as soon as you know where you’re going. Tell the person you’re trans before you’re alone with them. This can be uncomfortable to do if you’re in a crowded bar, so maybe suggest to move the party somewhere quieter but where you’re still with friends before leaving with them. Really, what it comes down to is your safety and comfort. When you actually find someone who likes you, is attracted to you, and respects you (don’t ever settle for less, it may seem hard but you can do it) the relationship can still be difficult. Communication is your number one tool. Let your partner know when something they say or do crosses a line. Let them know what your boundaries are, what your likes and dislikes are, and what terms of endearment you prefer.

Now here comes the juicy part, what do you do when you and your partner are ready for sex? This can be pretty stressful, especially if it’s your first time ever having sex. First thing I recommend doing is filling out Scarleteen’s Sexual Inventory Stocklist. This way your boundaries are clear cut and everyone knows them. Discuss what to do if you suddenly become uncomfortable and want to stop. It’s okay to stop at any point. Remember, your comfort is the most important. Come up with a safe word, phrase, or movement to let your partner know you want everything to stop. Communicate! Tell them what feels good and what doesn’t. Come up with a plan of action. What activities do you feel most comfortable with? Start slow. Don’t push yourself too quickly. Start with things you know you’ll be okay with, and later you can experiment with things you’re not sure about. Here’s some tips on certain positions and activities that can help with dysphoria.

Once you get past the kissing and making out stage you may want to start exploring with stimulation. I would suggest if you aren’t comfortable with your body yet to try dry humping with clothes on. Basically, just rub your genitals together. You can try different positions; missionary, riding on top, spooning, or doggy style. Basically, just have sex but with the clothes on. You can also try doing this in your underwear or naked. It just depends on your comfort level. This is a good way to provide stimulation without actually dealing with genitals or stimulation of any orifice. Just remember if your partner’s genitals aren’t the same as yours that you still need to protect against pregnancy and no matter the genitals if both of you are naked you need to protect against STIs. Using a condom would be the best solution or doing this with underwear either with tucking or without.

 Next step would be actually touching genitals. If you’re not comfortable with your genitals being touched but you’re comfortable with touching your partner’s let them know. Sometimes experimenting and getting to know someone else’s genitals can help you feel more comfortable about your own. If you do want your genitals touched for oral or manual stimulation, again it helps to think of your genitals as the “right” genitals for you. Coach your partner to help treat your genitals like you want them to be treated. If you are a trans man, then have them treat your penis like it should be treated. For manual stimulation they can ball their hand up in a fist and stimulate your clitoris/penis with the bottom. They can also use a vibrator like the above masturbation tips. With oral sex have them lick and suck on your clitoris/penis. If you’re a trans woman, then have them do the opposite. They can use the same technique as the above masturbation technique, bending your penis/clitoris backwards and stimulating it with their fingers and tongue. You can also try “muffing” a technique that stimulates the inguinal canal. Now if you don’t have the best grasp on anatomy, this is how you do it. Use your index finger and get a testicle. Push it upward and slightly outward (towards the inside of your leg) until you meet resistance. That’s where your inguinal canal is. Now you can either let the testicle drop and explore the canal with your finger or push lightly and carefully on the base of the testicle until it pops through the opening and then continue to stimulate. Your partner can do this with their hands or their mouths.

A lot of trans people enjoy anal sex as they can be stimulated without dealing with their genitals. I have a post specifically for anal play that may help. Have fun with it and try new things! If you do want to involve your genitals in either intercourse or anal there are a couple things you can do. You can use a strap-on that either has clitoral/penile stimulation for you (this usually involves a bullet vibrator in the harness) or doesn’t or if you’re okay with vaginal entry a double ended dildo. I talk about all this more here. You can also use a harness without a dildo, and fit your penis/clitoris in the whole. That way you can have strap on fun as well, with less dysphoria! Again, everyone is different so experiment and do whatever you feel comfortable with. Remember to talk about your fantasies, things you want to try, kinks, and BDSM elements you’d like to incorporate into your sexual activity. Dress in a way that makes you feel sexy, dry role-play, bondage, spanking, whatever turns you on.

 

Some people after sexual activity or masturbation feel really dirty or guilty. These feelings are common, but understand that they aren’t necessary. Talk about these feelings with a friend, partner, or therapist. Figure out what those automatic internal thoughts are that are making you feel that way, tell them they’re wrong, and remember that you are an amazing individual that deserves sexual pleasure and that society can stuff its “gender rules” where the sun don’t shine. You are your gender identity, not your body. Remember to always use condoms and dental dams with all sex methods to make sure there’s no chance of pregnancy or STIs.

Now, so far I’ve really just talked about pre-transitional bodies. Hormones and surgery can definitely change your sexuality and how you have sex and masturbate. Those changes are different for everyone so I can’t really tell you exactly what will work for you. A lot of people’s libido changes. That’s fine. Talk to your partner about those libido changes and when you want and don’t want sex. Always make sure both of you are comfortable and having their needs met. Have fun exploring your body going through its second puberty. Sensitivity of certain body parts can change as well as the shape and size of your body. Estrogen can make it more difficult to achieve erections and ejaculation which may or may not be a problem. It can make some of the techniques we’ve talked about easier as erection can make them more difficult. Again, communicate with your partner what feels good and talk to them about the changes you are going through. When it comes to top surgery, sensitivity can change so once you’re all healed explore that part of your body and let your partner know of any changes that occurred. With bottom surgery, usually people are ready to try out their new equipment. Be sure to give yourself time to heal and not to rush things too much. Explore your new genitals and figure out what feels good. Some people will need to use lube, as you may not produce your own lubrication. Go as slow as you need. Remember to use safer sex methods. Just because your genitals were made by man doesn’t mean they’re STI proof. You still need to protect yourself.

Gender Playful Toys and Gender Play

 

Gender Play is when someone experiments with gender presentation (the way you express yourself) during sexual activity. This can involve a lot of elements, most commonly fantasy, clothes, and toys.

Fantasy is the main part of any sexual play, especially when a specific kink is involved. There may be many reasons a person may find parts of gender play attractive, they may like exploring gender inside and outside of the bedroom, they may feel empowered by presenting a different way, or they may feel humiliated by presenting a certain way and humiliation is a kink of theirs. When a person dresses up as what is commonly perceived as how a certain gender is supposed to look like when they don’t identify as that gender it is referred to as crossdressing. Crossdressing in itself isn’t a fetish and isn’t sexual in any way but adding crossdressing to a certain roleplay can be a turn on. Some people do get aroused by being in certain clothes, and that can be part of the appeal. Some people get turned on by being forced into certain clothes, this is most commonly seen in forced feminization. Forced feminization is when a man is “forced” (remember, everything actually involves consent, the forced is part of the roleplay) into feminine clothes like lingerie and usually is the more submissive part of the relationship. They may feel humiliated by the act and feel arousal because of it. The reverse is true, some people feel empowered or sexy being in clothes of a different gender. This can be either “feminine” clothes or “masculine clothes”. When you have a certain fantasy you want to try out talk to your partner, explain what about it you find sexy and see what they think. Explore their fantasies as well.

 

The next part of gender play involves clothes. Dressing a certain way is a pretty big part of the fantasy. This can be whole outfits like suits, dresses, maid uniforms, or other costumes that are seen as gendered in our society, or this can involve lingerie only. Your clothes are meant to make you feel sexy or aroused. Your partner may be able to help you pick something to wear but talk to them if you have any particular outfit in mind. Of course an outfit isn’t just clothes, it’s also accessories and make-up. Having your partner put you in make-up can make you feel sexy, or they may feel turned on by putting make up on you. You can further use make up to make you feel more like whatever gender you are playing with. Incorporate it into your foreplay. You can also utilize fake facial hair and theater make up to change your features to either be more “masculine” or more “feminine”. You can also use wigs, jewelry, and shoes to further help you get into the right mood. Other things can help you make your body the shape you want it to. For people with breasts who during this play would rather not have breasts you can get a binder. DO NOT use bandages or tape of any kind. This not only will be painful to wear and remove it’ll make it difficult to breathe and if you’re doing an exerting activity like sex this can prove deadly. There are binding shirts that are easier to move in and more comfortable. For people who would like their chest to be bigger or to have breasts you can either use bra inserts or breast forms. Bra inserts (which you can make out of foam or cloth) of course go away once you take a bra off but breast forms can stick to your skin and have nipples and look more realistic. For people who would like a bulge in your pants you can pack, meaning you put something that is meant to look like a penis in your underwear. You can either buy realistic packers or use a rolled up sock in-between two layers of underwear. If you want that bulge to disappear you can tuck, meaning tucking the penis in between the legs so it isn’t visible. This can take practice, but there are underwear specifically made for this purpose. It may help to use two pairs, a cute outer layer and a tighter inner layer. Speaking of cute outer layer there are brands of lingerie meant specifically made for those designated the male sex at birth. This lingerie can fit better on your body.

 

Now comes toys. The main toy everyone thinks of is the strap on. Strap ons are most commonly associated as being used with two people with vulvas or in “pegging” when someone with a vulva penetrates a person with a penis anally but really anyone can use one for any kind of penetration. There are two parts to a strap on, the harness and the dildo. When it comes to dildos you can use pretty much anything with a flared base.  It’s best to make sure it’s harness compatible, and you may need to buy different rings to put on the harness to make sure the dildo fits. Other than that dildos really come in any shape, size, and color available so there’s lots to choose from. There are a couple of different styles of harness. There’s the double or two strap harness, which is when there’s straps that go around the thighs/under the butt and another strap around the waist. This is a pretty secure harness. There is the g-string harness which is when a strap goes around the waist and another goes like a g-string from the crotch to the back of the waist strap. This is not as secure but is more comfortable for some. There is also the underwear harness, which is the most comfortable as it’s pretty much underwear with a hole in the front, but it can be tricky to keep stable. The most common brand is the RodeoH. You can get a harness made of leather which comes in mostly the g-string category, or a non leather harness. It is made usually of some sort of cloth. There are a lot of styles, brands, and colors to choose from. You can also get one with a pocket for a bullet vibrator so the person doing the penetrating can get stimulation as well. If you’d like something that’d provide more stimulation you may want a double ended dildo. That is a dildo that penetrates you as well as a partner. There are many different varieties of double ended dildos. Some, like the feeldoe may be shaped so that a part goes inside of you and a phallic object that may look like a realistic penis is used to be used during penetration of your partner. Some may have vibrators on your end. Others are really long poles or U shapes meant for both of you to penetrate each other. Again, there are limitless styles and brands of dildos. 

 

What most fantasies and types of sexual play come down to is your mind. The way you feel about yourself and your partner and what kind of sex acts turn you on. These are props that are there to help you get in the mood and fulfill your fantasy but first you have to fully be able to express and enjoy your fantasy. That’s why communication is so important as is accepting your kinks and doing research and finding people who feel the same way you do.